Thanksgiving used to be the signal for the start of holiday shopping, but that was long ago and, of course, now the signal is Arbor Day. But Thanksgiving still retains an important role as the real end to the election season. This is it. No more talking about what happened in Ohio. Time to move forward. And, as a public service, I am willing to take questions.
What about the fiscal cliff? How can anybody be happy when we're falling off the fiscal cliff? We're all going to die!!!!
Just stop that. Do you know where the members of Congress are now? Home having dinner with their families. Do you think they're refusing to eat anything because they're worried about the Bush tax cuts? No. Do you think they're sitting in the basement muttering about sequestration? No. Get with the program. No talking about the fiscal cliff during Thanksgiving.
Did President Obama pardon the turkey?
Yes, he did. It was named Cobbler. The previous Obama pardon winners were Courage, Apple and Liberty. Personally, I find it creepy to name a large, silly-looking bird after a cherished national virtue, or one of Gwyneth Paltrow's children.
Is it true that PETA is opposed to turkey pardoning?
The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says the pardon "makes light of the mass slaughter of some 46 million gentle, intelligent birds." Which certainly does take some of the fun out of it. You have to admit. Cobbler didn't do anything to actually win a reprieve, except have a Facebook bio that alleged he was a fan of Carly Simon. Maybe we should see the whole ceremony as a commentary on the cruel randomness of fate.
Whoa! O.K. Never mind about the turkeys. What about the country? We just spent the last couple weeks listening to people like Bill O'Reilly say "it's not a traditional America anymore." Is Thanksgiving an endangered tradition?
Are you kidding? Thanksgiving is our best holiday. Everybody likes it, and, except for eating, it has no rules. You never hear talking heads complain about the commercialization of Thanksgiving.
I'm not sure I want to quit talking about the election. I really liked watching the Republicans denouncing Mitt Romney, and going hehehe under my breath.
Time to let go. If you are a Republican, be thankful it's the end. If you were rooting for President Obama, give thanks that your particular demographic group was responsible for his win. We have excellent statistical evidence that it was Hispanics who made all the difference. And also blacks, gays, young people, unmarried people and women. If any of you had bolted, next year Mitt Romney would be pardoning the turkey.
If you are a Democratic older white married male, you can be thankful that your young, gay, female and minority friends like you so much that they are not holding your demography against you.
Is there anything about the election that's still unresolved?
Well, we never did find out who Senator Joe Manchin of West Virginia voted for. "The election is behind us, and we need to put politics behind us, too," the nation's most prominent undecided voter said in a statement as Congress left town. For Thanksgiving.
Is it too soon to start talking about 2016?
Not if you have no life whatsoever.
I have a lot of Republican relatives coming for Thanksgiving, and I think it would make them feel better.
Every Republican you ever heard of is thinking about a run in 2016. Rick Perry is thinking about it. If it weren't for his having died 82 years ago, William Howard Taft would be thinking about it.
The busiest bee seems to be Senator Marco Rubio of Florida. He just went to Iowa. And there's an interview in GQ in which he discusses leadership, says that Eminem is a better rapper than Pitbull, and that the question of whether the earth was created in seven days is "one of the great mysteries." He also produced the first memorable quote of the 2016 campaign season. ("I think the age of the universe has zero to do with how our economy is going to grow.")
But then later he clarified his remarks.
I would be happy to give thanks if he explained that he does believe in evolution.
You know that I'm going to tell you the clarification was that he really likes Pitbull's music.
By the way, what ever happened to Mitt Romney?
He has been sighted going to the gym, going to Disneyland and emerging from a screening of the latest "Twilight" movie, in which the heroine becomes a vampire and lives happily ever after. I can't tell you what that means, but he's probably not feeling all that thankful.
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